One of the most powerful shifts I see in therapy, whether someone is working on their relationship, their career, or their own inner world, happens when they begin to understand their locus of control. It’s not a complicated idea, but it can be a life-changing one.
Put simply, your locus of control is about where you believe your influence lies. When you feel like life is happening to you and there’s nothing you can do, you’re living mostly from an external locus of control. But when you begin to focus on what you can do - how you respond, what you say, what boundaries you set, how you care for yourself - you are operating from your internal locus of control. That is where real change happens.
The Bullseye Visual
Imagine a target. In the center, the bullseye, are the things you can control. These include your actions, your thoughts, your responses, and your choices. The next ring out includes things you can influence, such as your relationships, your environment, or how a conversation goes. Beyond that is everything you cannot control at all. This includes other people’s decisions, the past, the news, or the state of the world.
We often waste energy spinning in the outer rings. When we do that, we lose the energy we need to take action inside the center, where change is possible.
Let’s look at some real-life examples across different areas of life.
Work
What you can't control: your boss’s attitude, company-wide decisions, whether a coworker pulls their weight
What you can control: how you communicate, how you prepare for meetings, how you respond to feedback, how you advocate for yourself
You might not change your boss, but you can choose how you show up at work. That shift can lead to greater confidence and a more grounded sense of purpose.
Relationships
What you can't control: whether your partner changes, how quickly they understand your needs, how they process emotions
What you can control: how clearly you express yourself, how you listen, what boundaries you set, whether you act with honesty and integrity
Focusing on your own part in the relationship is often the most effective way to create the change you want to see.
Self
What you can't control: old thought patterns, intrusive thoughts, your past
What you can control: how you talk to yourself, what support you seek, what new habits you build, how you treat yourself on hard days
Personal growth begins when we take ownership of what’s within our reach. We do not have to control every thought to shape a new direction.
Family
What you can't control: your parents’ reactions, your sibling’s choices, whether your family changes
What you can control: how you engage, what expectations you hold, how you care for yourself before and after family events, which topics you are willing to discuss
In families, it’s easy to get stuck trying to fix or rescue others. The real power is in owning your role and choosing how to show up with clarity and care.
Friendships
What you can't control: how much effort someone else puts in, whether a friend reaches out first, how deeply they understand you
What you can control: whether you reach out, how honest you are, how you respond to feeling let down, which friendships you invest in
Friendships thrive when we take responsibility for our side of the connection.
Society
What you can't control: political decisions, global events, cultural divisions
What you can control: how you engage, how you stay informed, what causes you support, how you speak up, what boundaries you set around media and conversations
You may not change the world in one day, but you shape your corner of it every single time you act in alignment with your values.
Final Thoughts
When people feel powerless or stuck, it’s often because they are pouring energy into the outer rings of the target. It is exhausting to try to change what cannot be changed. But when you return to the center - your choices, your voice, your mindset - you begin to reclaim your strength.
Change doesn’t require controlling the world. It begins when you focus on what is already yours to shape.
So the next time you feel overwhelmed, ask yourself this simple question:
Am I standing in the bullseye right now?
If not, take a breath and come back to center. That is where your real power lives.
