One of the most challenging yet empowering truths we encounter in life and relationships is this: you can change yourself, and you can change your situation, but you absolutely cannot change anyone else. Only they can do that.
It’s easy to feel stuck in relationships when things aren’t working. We might find ourselves pointing to our partner’s behavior, wishing they would do things differently. And while it’s natural to desire change in others—especially when we care deeply about the relationship—it’s important to recognize that waiting for someone else to change is an exercise in frustration and futility. True progress in any relationship begins when we focus on what we have the power to control: ourselves.
This doesn’t mean we have to accept unacceptable behavior or remain passive in the face of discomfort. On the contrary, we are empowered to change our circumstances. When we realize that our actions, reactions, and choices are within our control, the feeling of being stuck begins to lift. We can communicate more clearly, set healthy boundaries, and choose how we respond to our partner. These changes within ourselves often shift the dynamic in our relationships, opening the door for new possibilities.
It’s important to acknowledge, especially in couples work, that change doesn’t happen in isolation. As one partner begins to grow, reflect, and make conscious decisions to improve themselves or their situation, it can inspire change in the relationship as a whole. But this transformation is not about manipulating or coercing someone else to change—it’s about leading by example, creating space for genuine, mutual growth.
When we focus on our own growth, we regain our power. We move away from the helplessness of “If only they would change” to the empowerment of “I can change my approach, my mindset, my boundaries.” The beauty of this shift is that it doesn’t just affect our personal well-being—it positively impacts the relationship too.
Of course, this doesn’t guarantee that the other person will change. They might, or they might not. But that’s not the point. The point is that we have the capacity to make the changes necessary to improve our own lives and emotional health. That’s where our power lies. And often, as we take ownership of our own growth, the relationship begins to change in ways we couldn’t have predicted.
Remember, the work we do in relationships starts with the work we do within ourselves.
